Expectations

This is more of a rant, so excuse the unflattering pity party. (Unless you’d like to join me!)

Is physical labor really harder than mental labor? My fiance works at a cafeteria in a dorm at a university campus. He works eight hours a day, forty hours a week. He does a lot of vigorous cleaning under pressure (there are a lot of students to clean up after, and I guess dishes have to be washed and stuff like instantly after being used).

He is always extremely stressed from his job. I will whine after a ten hour day of studying from the same book, and ask for back rubs or company or study help. He gets all pissy about it, and he actually will get mad at me. When he does rub my back, he is angry and unhappy and I feel extremely guilty. I don’t think that it is unreasonable to ask for a back rub every night, especially when I have arthritis and am very stressed myself. I always ask if he wants a rub, and he says no. He doesn’t like that type of thing.

I tell him I’m stressed about school, money, various people, my mother, money, money, money… but apparently my stress is nothing compared to his stress from doing dishes and cleaning all day. (I do not mean to demean his job, I just don’t know any other way to phrase it.)

If I snap at him or say something mean, I get helllll for it. However, when he does it and I give him a hard time, I’m being “overdramatic and selfish”. Almost anything I complain about or ask for makes me selfish.

I’m not sure about the point of this post, I’m just so irritated! He will be starting school in the fall, and is saying that he shouldn’t even bother with financial aid and student loans because he doesn’t know what he wants to do. I’m so afraid that he will end up not getting an education.

I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just stressed and my head is full of cell structure from a giant study session yesterday. I just want my fiance to be there for me, and to at least try to understand what it is like to be, well, ME. He is great at understanding himself, but not ME. We are very different people, especially since I am a woman. (Hormones, anyone?) When I overreact and get depressed over something silly, I want a hug. Not a lecture more or less conveying how simple minded I am. I want to be “wooed” sometimes and surprised with small romantic gestures. I just want to be appreciated and thought about. I love feeling loved and cherished, and I don’t feel that very often anymore. It seems like any special thing that we do has to be thought of and planned by me.

I’ve told him about how I feel, but he gets angry and says I am full of shit. He makes me feel like my life is not nearly as accountable or important as his, and it hurts. Even more so when I know that I don’t have to live this way, but I don’t know if it is all in my head or real.

/rant

 

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No, I wasn’t joking.


Today, the only class I had was lab for Biology 121. (This is only different from BIOL 101 in that it is worth one more credit hour and the lecture is an hour longer as well, besides the increase in studying.)

Conversation Between Fellow Classmate and Myself Yesterday:


Classmate: Wow, you studied for that long? You must be serious.

Me: Well, yeah, I want to be a cardiologist. My fiance got me an engraved Littmann stethoscope for Christmas, which I plan to use until I have to get a stupid electronic one.

Classmate: That’s really great. I actually got a late start in high school because I had to have three open heart surgeries for a valve that wouldn’t close right or something.

Me: (eyes wide) Do you have a heart murmur????

Classmate: Hell yeah I do, it’s pretty bad.

Me: (at this point I’m practically jumping out of my small plastic chair in the student lounge) I’m so bringing my stethoscope tomorrow to lab so I can hear it. That is so cool! I’d been wanting to find someone with a heart murmur!!!!!!!!!

Classmate: (laughing) Alright, sounds good.

 We continued talking for about two hours, and seemed to get along really well.

So today before lab, when he came into the lounge in the Life Science building, I called him over and took out my stethoscope.

He freaked out, and refused to even get near me. He thought I was KIDDING!
He made all sorts of stupid jokes, ranging from “It’s too soon.” to “Oh my god you were serious!” You would think my Littmann had teeth or something.

Anyway, I was both super embarrassed and pissed. Once he realized how serious I actually was, he even had the gall to log off of the student computer he was using and run to class. I just sat there, close to tears. “Of course I’m serious, I’m premed! I told you that!!!”

Then later in the lab, he comes up to me and is talking about our microscope project, like nothing ever happened. Bullshit!! Even as I type this, I’m too ashamed to even tell my fiance, who is my closest and most trusted friend, what ruined my day.

Is it just me? For the first time in my life, I feel like my interests are really as weird as I feared. I thought that in college, people understood your enthusiasm toward your career. I don’t know, this entire thing really crushed my spirit as well as my mood for the day.

(On a side note, I did get to examine some of my epithelial cells today, which kind of made up for it.)

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Mountain Dew (Don’t)

I’ve only been in college for two weeks, and I’m starting to realize something:

If you think coffee is nasty, and you can’t tolerate energy drinks… you’re useless. There aren’t enough flash cards or highlighters in the world to save you.
(Unless there was some superpower giveaway I wasn’t invited to, which is entirely possible.)

I can’t stay awake!! I spend so much time studying that I only have a handful of hours to donate to sleep. To compensate, I pump myself full of Mountain Dew and sugary snacks as soon as I crawl (pathetically) out of bed. By the time class has actually started, my sugar rush has morphed into a sugar crash. I can’t draw pictures of phospholipid bilayers when I can barely keep my eyes from rolling back in my head.

College is so so soooooooo much different than high school. I’m almost positive that all premed students have Red Bull coursing through their veins. If Anatomy and Physiology 101 and Biology 121 are kicking my butt this badly, I have no idea how I am ever going to be an actual medical student. After reading oodles of “Cruel Resident Stories” and “Cruel Attending Stories” (Two features on a hilarious med student blog by Fizzy McFizz, who has also written a comic book on her plights in her medical education! [You can read a review here]) , maintaining consciousness through the day sounds like the least of my worries.

How do you stay awake? Should I change my study methods and sleep more instead??? I think the Mountain Dew and candy are making it even harder to stay up all day, and they definitely make me feel like a pile of shit at the end of it.

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